As I sat down to write this, it became larger than I first thought. So it'll be broken up into 3 parts. Stay tuned for parts 2 & 3.
Personal Honesty &
Confidence in Christ
Part 1
I
believe there is more to honesty than simply not saying untruthful things. If
that was all it was then the vast majority of us would be upright honest
people. I mean, it’s fairly logical that if I say something untrue to cover my
butt, it’s gonna start a whole mess of untruthful things that will pull me into
a web of anxiety. So it’s just better to not to lie to anyone. Life would be
much more simple and easy on the whole if everyone followed this idea.
I’d say
honesty is divided into two parts; honesty with our fellowman and honesty with
ourselves…ok-there’s probably more ways to divide honesty than two ways, but
for my purpose here let’s just keep it simple. I think honesty with others is
pretty straight forward and do-able if we put some effort into it. But honesty
with ourselves is a much more complicated affair. Accepting who and what we are
can really suck sometimes. I mean, come on-who really wants to admit, or worse
yet-accept- that they’re imperfect and fall short of almost every supposed
social measuring device. Despite what we see on the outside most everyone feels
like they come up short of something.
This is
especially true in Mormon culture where we go to church, seminary, mutual,
relief society, priesthood and all other such functions where we hear about
keeping commandments. We are constantly reminded of the Standard of Perfection.
As I listen to all the things I have to do
and I look around at all the people who seem to be doing such a good job at
keeping all the commandments I tend to feel ‘spiritually small’. This is because
I know all too well that I can’t do all these things all the time, and I know
God knows I don’t do all these things all the time either. However, by outward appearances
it seems like everyone else is doing loads better than me and I’m being passed
in the Race of Life.
As a
result of these feelings and the natural urge we all have of wanting to fit in (which
is another topic in itself that I will address); my life becomes about putting
on the best show so that everyone around me thinks I’m perfect. I’m not saying this is true of everyone, but
it certainly goes through everyone’s heads.
Let’s be fair though; what’s the
difference between pretending to keep the commandments perfectly and actually
trying to keep the commandments perfectly? Outwardly-nothing; inwardly-everything.
Therein lays the difference between an imperfect person and a hypocrite. And
this is why we feel the way we do because it appears as though everyone is
perfect or at least really close and certainly better than ourselves. I’m not
inside their heads feeling their feelings and thinking their thoughts.
As I progress along the path of
Pretended Perfection, the deeper and deeper my own lies to myself get. Unlike
other people, I am inside my own head; I do think my thoughts and feel my
feelings. I know full well that I do not measure up to the Standard of
Perfection yet I still put off as though I do. This is dishonesty at its
finest. Even if I don’t actually believe that I’m perfect but just act it for
the sake of approval, it’s still dishonest.
Now, if you haven’t felt any of
these feelings you are either lying or are delusional. So let’s look at the
other side of the coin of dishonesty with oneself. Instead of feeling bad we aren’t perfect and
putting on a façade of perfection, there’s the group of delusional self
righteous suckers that actually believe they’re pretty darn close to perfection
(this state of mind can also grow from the previously described False
Pretense). Regrettably, I would put a past me into this category. I think for a
long time I actually did hold onto the idea that I was closer to perfection, or
at least better at keeping the commandments, than a lot of my peers. It’s true
that Pride is the root of all evil and it’s certainly at the heart of this
issue.
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