Pt2
I find it hard to pinpoint the
exact moment that my mindset changed because I don’t believe it was a moment in
time, but it was a series of events and circumstances called ‘Going on a
Mission’ that did it. All of a sudden I was faced with more rules and
regulations than I was used to. And half of them seemed ridiculous and made
because some other sucker ruined it for the rest of us. Over time I realized
that perfect obedience was beyond my reach; not just perfect obedience to
mission rules, but also to the standard commandments. I just couldn’t do it.
There were too many things vying for my energies and efforts. What’s worse is
that I looked around me and saw other missionaries who seemed to not have a
problem keeping rules and appeared to keep them perfectly. As a green
missionary I just assumed that all missionaries were perfect and that I was
simply the only one that struggled (the same predicament that most every
imperfect person is in).
I can only assume that God set all
this up to teach me a lesson that would root itself in me. I can only say it
was God orchestrating this and flipping the switch in my heart because I can’t
recall a moment when it clicked in my mind. It was like the ‘dews from heaven’.
Here’s what happened; I gave up the
illusion that I was perfect and I gave up trying to give off as though I were
perfect. I just didn’t feel the need to pretend anymore. It was amazing. All
the personal frustration of falling short and not being ‘perfect’ just melted
away. Nowadays, those thoughts are like water on a ducks back, they just don’t
stick to me. A lot of frustration and unneeded stress comes from frequently
falling short of our pretended perfect personas.
If the scriptures are true then
Romans 3:23 which says, ‘For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of
God…’ becomes a balm of Gilead instead of a sting to my pride. God put that
verse in there to let us know that not a one of us is perfect; at some point
sometime every single one of us has blundered and messed up. How relieving! He
wants us to know that our efforts cannot get us there. No matter how good those
efforts might be. It requires quite the perspective shift because that verse
can certainly hurt the ego and conscious of the even the best of saints. As I
accepted this there was a tremendous amount of freedom that opened up to me. A mountain of weight was lifted off my
shoulders.
Ok let’s be clear, If I can say to
myself ‘I’m not perfect, so I’m not going to pretend to be’ that doesn’t mean
that I’m gonna go and live a life of sin and roll around in my imperfections,
it just means that I’m gonna be free from unrighteous self judgment. I no
longer have to beat myself up for falling short of the Standard of Perfection
because as the scripture says, we all have. I don’t have to put off to anyone
for their acceptance because we’re all in the same boat anyways.
I’m also free (or at least the need
to do it feels less because God knows I still do) from unrighteous judgment of
others. After all; if I’m imperfect being what I am, then, darn it, everyone
else is to. So of course someone else is gonna mess up, of course someone else
is gonna say dumb things to me. But I don’t need to get hung up on it because
we’re in the same boat. It’s easier to forgive because I’m also in desperate
need of their forgiveness because I’m sure I’ve done dumb things to them. The only way either of us is gonna make it is
through Jesus so let’s just let imperfection slide off each other’s backs. God wants
this desperately as D&C 64:10 implies: ‘I, the Lord, will forgive whom I
will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.’
I’m also a lot less afraid of what
people think of me. I realize that even if I was perfect, I’d be judged to be
bad by some people. Jesus, who is actually perfect, was a prime example of
this. So I might as well just do the best I can and try not to give people
reasons to think ill of me and forget about the rest. There is freedom in
personal honesty; freedom to be your best self.
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